The Hook Up With A Hottie At The Dog Park

 

Hook Up With A Hottie At The Dog Park

Photo by Hudson Hintze on Unsplash

I have a great dog park near my house in the hills. Only problem is, it’s not completely fenced off, and on one side it opens up to the road. Dogs can leave the dog park and run away down the road if they want to. But why would they? The park is beautiful, hilly and full of green grass, so none of them want to.

Except my dog.

Right when I get something started with a cute dog owner, I look around and Arnie has disappeared. The other day, I was about to ask this guy with a Great Dane for his number. I wasn’t sure, though. I mean, do guys get gigantic dogs like that because they are compensating for small penises?

“Shit!” I panic. I run up onto the road, desperate to save him from certain death.

There he goes, hightailing it away, chasing after a bird or something. He’s a pointer, so he’s twice as fast as me. I call after him, and after half a mile, he relents and lets me put him back on the leash.

By the time I get back to the dog park my guy has gone home with his Great Dane and his penis of unknown size.

I did meet someone here once, though, and we did hook up. That in and of itself is a problem. After we “broke up”, I couldn’t go to the dog park for a while. Then I said, Fuck it, if I see him I’ll just say hi and move on.

I haven’t seen him, thank God.

But anyhow, here is what I have learned so far about hooking up at the dog park.

Conversation starters

Of course, the great thing about the dog park is that your pets are natural topics of discussion to kick things off.

• Your dog is so cute!

That is the best thing to say, trust me. Everybody thinks their dog is the cutest thing in the world, even ugly dogs like bull dogs — they are cute ugly. So if you can’t think of anything else, there’s always that.

• What kind of dog is that?

That is even better, because it starts off an interaction. He’s got to respond. It’s a little boring though. I mean, he’s been through this a billion times before. “He’s a poodle, duh.” There are better options.

• Are you guys friendly?

That line has worked the best for me, I have to say. It’s clever, see, because you are asking two questions at once — 1) is your dog going to bite mine, and 2) do you want to talk to me?

If your dog starts sniffing his dog’s ass…

This is a good thing! Don’t be embarrassed. That’s what dogs do, Jesus. What do you want them to do, talk about the Lakers? No, this is their conversation. So use it to your advantage.

• Say, “Oooh, they like each other!” And smile at him.
• Or try this one, “Arnie, how’s it taste, tell Mama, do you like it?”

Maybe not. I did say that once, and come to think of it, the guy took his dog to the other side of the park pretty quickly. Ah, some people are so boring. Alright, here are some more conventional responses.

• Ignore it. Pretend your dog doesn’t have his tongue stuck halfway up his dog’s ass. And talk about the Lakers. (By the way, the Lakers are a basketball team. I hate basketball, but most men are obsessed with it, so study up. That’s what I did. This guy named James LeBron is like their best player but some people hate him.)
• Go all in #MeToo. Call his dog out. “I did not hear my dog consent to this ass licking sir! Please, have your dog cease and desist or my attorneys will be contacting you.”

If your dog starts dry humping his dog…

Arno is apparently bi-sexual, like his owner, because he will hump any gender. However, he has been neutered, of course, so it’s just a rather humiliating exercise in futility for him. And rather embarrassing for Momma. I try to turn it into a positive.

• Act all girly, embarrassed and ashamed. I know, it’s so not like me. And it’s really a flagrant misrepresentation. I mean, if this relationship gets past fifteen minutes he’s going to find out I’m a potty-mouthed skank. But this works remarkably well, I guess because guys really do like the uber feminine, giggly, girly girl. Sometimes I don’t have the stomach for it, though.
• Coach him. “Go Arno, go! I’m so proud of you boy!” That throws them for a loop. It might throw them to the other side of the dog park, but, those guys were jerks anyway.
• Denial. They’re not humping. They’re horse playing. “Arno, no wrestling! Get off that dog please.” The effect of this is quite immediate — he gets that you are capable of infinite self-deception. Guys really, really, really are attracted to that. In fact, that’s specifically what they are looking for — someone who will bone them while knowing there is no hope of a relationship but pretending to themselves they don’t know that. When a guy sees you acting in denial about the fact that your dog is humping his — a little voice in his head goes, “Jackpot. Ding ding ding!”

If your dog poops…

You have several options here:

• Do nothing. Don’t clean it up. This sends a very bizarre message. Maybe you want to send that message. I don’t know you. You could look him right in the eyes as you do nothing to clean up your poop, and think silently to yourself, “See, I’m a dirty girl.” Might work…
• Act all girly and embarrassed (see number one from humping section). “Ewww. Arno! Ewww, ewww, ewww.” Then turning your face away, gingerly bend down to pick it up with your bag and hold it by the tip of your fingers and make a horrified face as you dump it in the trash.
• A middle option. It is true, guys think there are only two types of women, dirty ones and prudes. Here is a great opportunity to educate them as to an undebatable fact — we are human beings, just like them. I like to turn to them when Arno starts crapping and make a little comment, like “Everybody Poops. One of my favorite books. What’s your favorite book?” See, you turned icky poo poo into a get-to-know you moment — you so smart!

After the ice is broken…

…uh, I got nuthin’. Sorry. This part is a real mystery to me. In fact, I would like advice from you. I know that seems wrong — I’m writing the advice column. But I want to be perfectly honest with you. I’m good at the breaking the ice stuff. And pretty good at the gettin’ to know ya section. But when it comes time to taking things to the next level, I’m kinda crap. Here’s some of my mistakes:

• “Well, we both love dogs. So there’s that…” Awkward pause. Mortified feelings. Why do I sound so dumb all of a sudden? What’s wrong with me?
• “It’s nice out today isn’t it?” Oh god, please, do not talk about the weather. Talk about anything else. Please….
• “Well, we better enjoy this moment, eh, what with climate change and world war three about to start..” Oh kill me now, I beg you. How did Debby Downer suddenly possess my body?

These have worked better for me:

• “Do you have a good vet. My vet sucks.” In Los Angeles the vets are criminals. It costs a thousand dollars to get your dogs toes clipped. So people love to kvetch and bitch and moan about it. It is a way to really bring you two together.
• “Don’t you wish you could lick your own balls?” I mean, who hasn’t wondered that. Guys always laugh. And then, as above, about half of them move to the other side of the park. The half that sticks around, though…oh boy!
• “Does your dog watch you masturbate?” I wrote a whole article about this one. I can even send the guy a link, if he’s interested. See, that way, he gets my info. And we’ve made contact. We’ve moved things to the next level.

Finally…

Organize a play-date. I have a back yard, so I can invite the guy and his best friend over for a one one one meet up. The dogs can get to know each other in the yard while I…show him around the house.

I mean, that is the grail. It’s happened to me once, so I know it can happen again. The truth is, the dog park is really a metaphor for all of life, isn’t it? All the world’s a dog park, and we are poor pet owners, standing there in paranoid states, hoping our dog doesn’t get us in trouble, hoping our appearance isn’t inadequate, and praying to god in heaven that some weirdo doesn’t come up to us and start a conversation we don’t want to have.

And the hot guy is already taken. By the hot girl standing next to him. And on his Instagram it says, “Raising a beautiful puppy with my best friend.”

Fuck him. Fuck her. Your time will come. This is our year, folks. This is our decade. Things are going to be off the hook now that the pandemic is ending and the roaring twenties are getting going.

In the mean time, Arnie, I have you. Come here baby. Give Momma a big kiss!

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